Paranoia

“Be present above all else.”

My mind is a factory for worry and anticipation.

I find myself questioning everything I say, everything I do, every move I make, every step I take.

It really dawned on me yesterday how much I overthink my every action.

Questions arise constantly whether I am saying what I wish to say, or conveying what I wish to convey.

The paranoia never stops and it is driving me mad.

Why is it so hard to live the moments as they come?

Maybe it is in my genes somewhere. Maybe I am meant to worry.

OVERTHINKING IS THE ROUTE TO UNHAPPINESS.

Unhappiness is caused by discontent.

Every time you think you are missing something, not doing something you need to, or under preparing yourself, you are discontent.

You feel like there is something in your life that is not going the way you want it to. So you become unhappy with where you are. Even though the situation you are in currently is exactly where you should be. It is a good place to be.

My paranoia is caused by overthinking.

I think I’m not good enough.

I think I’m not doing enough.

I think I’m not trying enough.

I think I’m not saying enough.

I think I’m not saving enough.

I think I’m not working enough.

I think I’m not resting enough.

I think I’m not writing enough.

I think I’m not reading enough.

I think I’m not exercising enough.

I think I’m not outside enough.

I think I’m not thinking enough.

All of these thoughts are running through my head constantly.

But if I were to tell myself what I am doing enough, then I would be content, happy.

I often ask myself if contentment is really happiness.

Because as soon as you are no longer content with where you are anymore, then the happiness fades and it's back to the drawing board to see what you can improve.

IS MY PARANOIA PRODUCTIVE?

The constant feeling of discontent causes me to search for ways to get better.

But it also keeps me from appreciating all that is good.

Life is a constant balance of being where you are and working toward being better.

Will there ever be a time where I am happy where I am, but still improving?

Who knows?

They say it’s about the journey, not the destination, but will I ever arrive at the destination if I spend too much time dawdling around on the journey?

The questions just keep coming and the answers are never there.

I am starting to realize that I shouldn’t be searching for answers all the time. Some questions aren’t meant to be asked and some answers aren’t meant to be found.

THE LESS YOU DESIRE, THE MORE HAPPY YOU BECOME.

If you realize that there aren’t always answers and just accept it, it becomes easier to be happy.

I need to get better at just accepting things as they are and not always questioning.

Because when I question everything, I begin to question myself. When I question myself, I lose track of all the good things that I have.

I start to become obsessed with what I want to be so much that I lose sight of who I am.

PARANOIA WILL CAUSE YOU TO LOSE YOURSELF.

I want to be more in tune with who I am and what I experience.

So I need to think less and live more.

***

I don’t have all the answers.

I never will.

Today, I made sure to write that.

Sometimes I have insight on what I have found out, and other times I simply just write how I feel about where I am.

Someday I will come back to this feeling different about what I wrote, and that is what growth is.

GROWTH IS KNOWING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW AND BEING WILLING TO ACCEPT IT.

I can’t help you with everything.

But maybe someday I will.

***

Thank you for reading!

My goal is to inspire self-improvement in others through my personal stories and experiences.

This is The Exploration.